July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? I think she may have deactivated. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. The fact that you cant appreciate the beauty of T-Swifts prose is mildly concerning. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. Ive been there. lets_be_honest Or even more fun than you would. Or find something neutral. Jordan was my fave back in the day. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. He is dedicated and hard-working. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. Who knows? Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. Her husband could be one of those people. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. Oh, This Old House. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Skyblossom I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. She cant meet him halfway if he is putting her down. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. Yes! Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. My comment obviously wasnt clear. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Roll your eyes!?! His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. lets_be_honest My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. It makes them feel safe. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. 'My husband is a terrible driver. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. YUCK. . July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. It struck me the wrong way, too. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. Required fields are marked *. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. Exactly! I completely agree with you on Buffy. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. I got a very different vibe from this. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. I thought that was actually really funny. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. If the issue is raised during a child custody . Youre right, though. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. Addie Pray If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. I got the same vibe you did. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Of course its going to drive her away from him. Talk about missing the point. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. Are any of these familiar to you? We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. Others see him as a bully and a hole. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Id love to hang out with her. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. You can see it in the fighting. Older and (hopefully) wiser I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. He would watch Full House or something with us. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. And of course. 1. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. honeybeenicki YES! So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. Whats ok is to have a balance. Unless you are from PA, of course. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. painted_lady At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Asking. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Um, no. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. As always, your anonymity is golden. Thanks temp! But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! lets_be_honest Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. I simply didnt get it.) He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. lets_be_honest I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. Exactly Lily! As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. The LWs husband sounds like my father. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. Also, help them find a mutual interest. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) Grow up, already. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. (I threw it all up and cried. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. 6napkinburger I have to agree. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. Good stuff all around! He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. Terms & Conditions . If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. bittergaymark It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children.

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